the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
