It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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