i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize