Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
