Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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