just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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