1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My liver just broke up with me...
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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