My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
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