a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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