he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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