She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
