Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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