it wasn't lemon gatorade
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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