I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
how drunk are you?
Several
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
