Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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