I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
