Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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