My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
