Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
