everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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