I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
This baby is an asshole
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
