Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
me + whiskey = a bad person
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
