I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
