Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
