I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
