oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
