lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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