my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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