i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
