I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
