This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
