I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
