nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
