shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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