He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just had sex on a roof
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize