My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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