guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
