Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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