You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
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