I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
