im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
