I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
