Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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