the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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