You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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