i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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