how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
