sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
