There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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