Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
