I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
