bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
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