dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
