I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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