I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
