just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
